Show of Hands

Lmao

How many Jews can fit in a car?

Two up front, three in back, and as many more as you can jam in the ashtray.

What's small, blue, and shiny?

A baby playing with a plastic bag.

Why doesn't China have a Disneyland?

Nobody's tall enough for the rides.

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

How many babies does it take to remove a car's grill?

Depends on how fast you're driving.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

You think that's ridiculous, have YOU ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

That's because it works.

What do you call an Asian receptionist?

Tai Ping.

What do you call a Muslim with ten goats?

A pimp.

What's worse than ten babies stapled to one tree?

One baby stapled to ten trees.

How do you get ten babies into a bowl?

With a blender.

How do you get ten babies OUT of a bowl?

Tortilla chips.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

Pizza don't scream when you put them in the oven.

Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek?

They don't work in the future either.

What do you say if you see your TV floating across the room at night?

"Drop it homes!"

What's faster than a black man with a TV?

His little brother with the DVD player.

How do you know if a Mexican is Mormon?

He's got a year's supply of hubcaps in his basement.

Last night the ghost of George Washington came to Obama. Obama said, "what must I do for my country?" George said, "love it, as I did".
Later Thomas Jefferson came and Obama asked the same thing, the response was "serve it, as I did"....

Lastly Abraham Lincoln came to Obama. Obama asked, " what can I do for my country?" Honest Abe said, "Go see a play"

Which is easier to unload, a truckload of bricks or a truckload of babies?

Babies, it's too hard to unload bricks with a pitchfork.

Obama.

What a fu€king loser you are.

The bottle is Pepto-Bismol pink :~|

Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Ale. I still haven't bought it. I keep looking at it, at the liquor store. It ain't cheap.

This was in Safeway. We had loganberry wine with dinner it was amazing.

Ha ha ha ha

The first joke is a music one...
I was going to put it this way, but ran out of space:

A boy, a bird, a cat, and a duck walk into a bar...
The bartender asks "What? Where's the strings, flute, clairanet, and oboe?

Yeah, still terrible...

you just couldn't resist

Too far...

Are they playing the Ducks.

Somebody beat you to it.

I beat you to it. :)

I assumed that someone must have. That's a classic.

Lol.

Turn back!! Run away!!! She controls our minds!!!!!!! Ahhhh!!!!

I am one of inge's minions. How cool! I want that on a t-shirt.

I'm a part time minion but a minion nevertheless. I like the t-shirt but let's put it on a too tight tank top with Inge's profile pic. That would be badass.

Haha awww. Best. Compliment. Ever.

Ding! :-)

So when is our wedding ;) :P

Do u need precise date or ballpark? I'm working on the venue but confident saying Spring 2014....

sigh....fine

No good? Fall 2013? Think outdoor fer sure. Maybe beach? 18th at Pebble? You know, picturesque. Your SOH throngs can Skype in. wait, hold the phone....who am I kidding? like I'd have a say in any of this. When/where works for YOU sweetheart? :-)

Numberphile?

ancient tribal tests. So, the three men agreed to take the tests. The king said for the first part of the test they must go into the jungle and gather ten fruits of the same variety and bring them back.

So, escorted by cannibals, the three men went off in different directions to get their fruits.
The first man returned carrying ten apples. The king said for the second part of the test, the men must put all ten fruits up his anal t

ract without making any facial expressions. So, the man put the first apple in without any problems, but on the second apple he flinched with pain. So, the cannibals killed him and ate him, and the man went to heaven.

The second man returned carrying ten little berries. The king explained to him the rules. So, the man began. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8, but on the 9th berry he broke out in laughter. So, the cannibals killed him and ate him, and he went to heaven.

Well, the 2nd man & the 1st man met in heaven. The first man asked, "Man, why did you laugh? You almost pulled it off."
To which the 2nd man replied, "I couldn't help it. I got to the 9th berry, and I noticed the other guy brought back watermelons."

That is the only joke tonight that actually made me laugh out loud! Hilarious!!!

Good on, kris

have only moved one time stating that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Teresa's it hasn't moved at all showing she didn't tell not one lie.

Hillary then asked well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is using it as a celling fan.

Sorry for the typos. I copied and pasted it :p

Were all dead. The farmer replies " some of them said they weren't, but ya know how them politicians lie"

Says he wishes to be stabbed to death by a fork. After several minutes and bleeding all over from multiple fork wounds, he turns to the chief and on his dying breath and says "Haha! Now you can't make canoe out of me!"

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Spoiler: The texan throws out the Mexican.

Or maybe not. Texans are unpredictable creatures.

:(

Says the Texan...

That just means I'm speaking from personal experience.

Your new nickname: "The Unpredictable Creature".

Remember the Alamo!

the man says "my god doctor - how can we determine which it is?" the doctor says "do you have a forest near your house?" the man says "yes". "well," the MD says "go for a long walk in the woods and get her completely lost. if she finds her way home -

don't fvck her."

………

hahahaha

Lol

hahahahaha

But that's only one thing...

Gosh I hate that. I don't see how it's funny.

Best youtubers- Swoozie, key and peele, zazinombies

Glozell is effing hilarious too

Lol!