I need a laugh. Bring it.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
Hold on i'll be hard in a minute. I just got laid by a chick.
I am huge.
What do you call a nosy pepper?
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly your junk down some broads throat.
My dog saw a squirrel running across the fence and bolted for it, but since he was looking up, he didn't see the three foot deep hole I dug for a tree. He fell in and was completely dumbfounded. Lol
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just beat the room for being black.
How many Jews can fit in a car?
Two up front, three in back, and as many more as you can jam in the ashtray.
What's small, blue, and shiny?
A baby playing with a plastic bag.
Why doesn't China have a Disneyland?
Nobody's tall enough for the rides.
Why did Sally fall out of the swing?
Because she had no arms.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
How many babies does it take to remove a car's grill?
Depends on how fast you're driving.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
You think that's ridiculous, have YOU ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
That's because it works.
What do you call an Asian receptionist?
What do you call a Muslim with ten goats?
What's worse than ten babies stapled to one tree?
One baby stapled to ten trees.
How do you get ten babies into a bowl?
With a blender.
How do you get ten babies OUT of a bowl?
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizza don't scream when you put them in the oven.
Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek?
They don't work in the future either.
What do you say if you see your TV floating across the room at night?
"Drop it homes!"
What's faster than a black man with a TV?
His little brother with the DVD player.
How do you know if a Mexican is Mormon?
He's got a year's supply of hubcaps in his basement.
Last night the ghost of George Washington came to Obama. Obama said, "what must I do for my country?" George said, "love it, as I did".
Later Thomas Jefferson came and Obama asked the same thing, the response was "serve it, as I did"....
Lastly Abraham Lincoln came to Obama. Obama asked, " what can I do for my country?" Honest Abe said, "Go see a play"
Which is easier to unload, a truckload of bricks or a truckload of babies?
Babies, it's too hard to unload bricks with a pitchfork.
What a fu€king loser you are.
Why did the liberal cross the road? His penis was stuck in the chicken.
A priest and a Rabi are walking down the street when they see some boys playing. The priest says, "let's screw them". The Rabi says, "out of what".
Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
A kid asks his mom, why is my cousin named rose? Because her mom likes roses. Why is my friend named daisy? Because her mom likes daisies. Well why am I named dicky? ......
As told by a 9 year old....
How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and place peas around it. When he goes to take a pea. You kick him in the ice hole.
What do you say to a black Jew?
Get to the back of the oven.
What do you call a blonde on a golf course?
The 19th hole.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas?
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Voodoo doughnuts has an ale. Chocolate, peanut butter, and banana, ale
The bottle is Pepto-Bismol pink :~|
Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Ale. I still haven't bought it. I keep looking at it, at the liquor store. It ain't cheap.
This was in Safeway. We had loganberry wine with dinner it was amazing.
A boy, a bird, a cat, and a duck walk into a bar...
The bartender asks "hey, where's the wolf?"
Yeah, I know that was pretty terrible, so I'll just go with this one instead:
Two blond walks into a bar... You think one of them would have seen it...
Ha ha ha ha
The first joke is a music one...
I was going to put it this way, but ran out of space:
A boy, a bird, a cat, and a duck walk into a bar...
The bartender asks "What? Where's the strings, flute, clairanet, and oboe?
Yeah, still terrible...
Go watch The Heat! Best movie ever in terms of laughs! I couldn't stop.
Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?
He had to sit in his own pew.
Have several. If this doesn't do it, I don't know what will. Enjoy.
*insert any quote from the big lebowski*
"OVER THE LINE!!!!"
The university of Texas may win some football games this year.........
you just couldn't resist
Are they playing the Ducks.
The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time.
It was tense!
Two muffins are in the oven. The first one says "Gee, it sure is hot in here." The second one says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Somebody beat you to it.
I beat you to it. :)
I assumed that someone must have. That's a classic.
Wow. the sick power you wield Inge. It's F inge nuts!.....you summon your minions to 300 plus comments on a Sat night no less. U need a laugh, I need a life apparently as I just got home and thought "I need to make this chick laugh". It's sick!
Turn back!! Run away!!! She controls our minds!!!!!!! Ahhhh!!!!
I am one of inge's minions. How cool! I want that on a t-shirt.
I'm a part time minion but a minion nevertheless. I like the t-shirt but let's put it on a too tight tank top with Inge's profile pic. That would be badass.
Haha awww. Best. Compliment. Ever.
So when is our wedding ;) :P
Do u need precise date or ballpark? I'm working on the venue but confident saying Spring 2014....
No good? Fall 2013? Think outdoor fer sure. Maybe beach? 18th at Pebble? You know, picturesque. Your SOH throngs can Skype in. wait, hold the phone....who am I kidding? like I'd have a say in any of this. When/where works for YOU sweetheart? :-)
There are 10 types of people in this world:
Those that understand binary
Those that don't
And those that didn't expect this joke to be in base three
One day, three men were walking through the jungle when they were captured by cannibals. They were taken before the cannibal king who said they shall be executed and then eaten. The king said they could avoid this terrible fate if they could pass the
ancient tribal tests. So, the three men agreed to take the tests. The king said for the first part of the test they must go into the jungle and gather ten fruits of the same variety and bring them back.
So, escorted by cannibals, the three men went off in different directions to get their fruits.
The first man returned carrying ten apples. The king said for the second part of the test, the men must put all ten fruits up his anal t
ract without making any facial expressions. So, the man put the first apple in without any problems, but on the second apple he flinched with pain. So, the cannibals killed him and ate him, and the man went to heaven.
The second man returned carrying ten little berries. The king explained to him the rules. So, the man began. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8, but on the 9th berry he broke out in laughter. So, the cannibals killed him and ate him, and he went to heaven.
Well, the 2nd man & the 1st man met in heaven. The first man asked, "Man, why did you laugh? You almost pulled it off."
To which the 2nd man replied, "I couldn't help it. I got to the 9th berry, and I noticed the other guy brought back watermelons."
That is the only joke tonight that actually made me laugh out loud! Hilarious!!!
Good on, kris
I have a bunch of unemployment jokes, but none of them work...
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. Standing outside the pearly gates she ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincoln's, the hand...
have only moved one time stating that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Teresa's it hasn't moved at all showing she didn't tell not one lie.
Hillary then asked well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is using it as a celling fan.
Sorry for the typos. I copied and pasted it :p
A bus full of politicians get in a ditch in the country. An old farmer finds the wreck. He is in the process of burying the bodies when a police officer comes. The cop asks what happens. Then the police officer asked if the farmer made sure they...
Were all dead. The farmer replies " some of them said they weren't, but ya know how them politicians lie"
Three men go on an expedition and are captured by natives. The chief says they will be killed and made into canoes.
The first man chooses poison, drinks it and dies.
The second chooses spear, and is stabbed in the eye and died.
Says he wishes to be stabbed to death by a fork. After several minutes and bleeding all over from multiple fork wounds, he turns to the chief and on his dying breath and says "Haha! Now you can't make canoe out of me!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
There are a pilot, a Texan, a Mexican, an Italian, and a Brit in a plane. The pilot says " we're having a problem. We need three of you to jump out the plane." The Brit jumps out and says " god save the queen". The Italian jumps out and says...
Spoiler: The texan throws out the Mexican.
Or maybe not. Texans are unpredictable creatures.
Says the Texan...
That just means I'm speaking from personal experience.
Your new nickname: "The Unpredictable Creature".
Remember the Alamo!
an elderly couple goes to the doctors office. the man comes out fine and his wife goes in. she's in for a long time. the doctor then comes out to the man and says "I don't know how to tell you this - but your wife either has Alzheimer's or aids."
the man says "my god doctor - how can we determine which it is?" the doctor says "do you have a forest near your house?" the man says "yes". "well," the MD says "go for a long walk in the woods and get her completely lost. if she finds her way home -
don't fvck her."
A priest and rabbi are walking past a park...
Priest- "Lets screw these kids"
Rabbi- "Out of what?"
There are three types of people in this world: those that can count, and those who can't
But that's only one thing...
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure...
Google "how animals eat their food" and find it on YouTube. Also the ways to discipline your child, by the same people.
Gosh I hate that. I don't see how it's funny.
Best youtubers- Swoozie, key and peele, zazinombies
Glozell is effing hilarious too
A dog limps into a saloon, holding one leg off the ground and says "I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw"
What's worse than 1000 dead babies hanging from 1 tree?
1 dead baby hanging from 1000 trees.
I'm about spent...
What do you call a Puerto Rican midget?
These are great. You guys are killing it
What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!
I dont understand why people say sex is good in the shower. How do you guys not get your laptop wet?
What do you call someone without a body and no nose?
What do you call it when a redhead goes off the deep end?
A ginger snap.