Show of HandsShow of Hands

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meaning Red Stick
07/01/13 4:57 pm

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
Hold on i'll be hard in a minute. I just got laid by a chick.

StilettoMiss SF med law, meme queen
06/30/13 10:39 pm

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeño business!

juiceman1601 Alton Il.
06/30/13 7:20 am

WARNING GRAPHIC
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly your junk down some broads throat.

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rpanuli Tahoe
06/30/13 12:30 am

My dog saw a squirrel running across the fence and bolted for it, but since he was looking up, he didn't see the three foot deep hole I dug for a tree. He fell in and was completely dumbfounded. Lol

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MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 10:58 pm

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

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MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 10:59 pm

How many Jews can fit in a car?

Two up front, three in back, and as many more as you can jam in the ashtray.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:00 pm

What's small, blue, and shiny?

A baby playing with a plastic bag.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:00 pm

Why doesn't China have a Disneyland?

Nobody's tall enough for the rides.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:01 pm

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

Because she had no arms.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:01 pm

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:02 pm

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:03 pm

How many babies does it take to remove a car's grill?

Depends on how fast you're driving.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:05 pm

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

You think that's ridiculous, have YOU ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

That's because it works.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:05 pm

What do you call an Asian receptionist?

Tai Ping.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:06 pm

What do you call a Muslim with ten goats?

A pimp.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:06 pm

What's worse than ten babies stapled to one tree?

One baby stapled to ten trees.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:07 pm

How do you get ten babies into a bowl?

With a blender.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:07 pm

How do you get ten babies OUT of a bowl?

Tortilla chips.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:09 pm

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

Pizza don't scream when you put them in the oven.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:09 pm

Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek?

They don't work in the future either.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:11 pm

What do you say if you see your TV floating across the room at night?

"Drop it homes!"

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:11 pm

What's faster than a black man with a TV?

His little brother with the DVD player.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:12 pm

How do you know if a Mexican is Mormon?

He's got a year's supply of hubcaps in his basement.

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:14 pm

Last night the ghost of George Washington came to Obama. Obama said, "what must I do for my country?" George said, "love it, as I did".
Later Thomas Jefferson came and Obama asked the same thing, the response was "serve it, as I did"....

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:15 pm

Lastly Abraham Lincoln came to Obama. Obama asked, " what can I do for my country?" Honest Abe said, "Go see a play"

MannIsMe COVID Dont Surf
06/29/13 11:16 pm

Which is easier to unload, a truckload of bricks or a truckload of babies?

Babies, it's too hard to unload bricks with a pitchfork.

thetruthurts yes, it does.
06/30/13 7:38 am

What a fu€king loser you are.

think4yourself Not a safe space
06/29/13 10:47 pm

Why did the liberal cross the road? His penis was stuck in the chicken.

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badattitude no place like home
06/29/13 10:40 pm

A priest and a Rabi are walking down the street when they see some boys playing. The priest says, "let's screw them". The Rabi says, "out of what".

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lv545 Lubbock
06/29/13 10:17 pm

Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?


To get to the other side

Rage21
06/29/13 9:29 pm

What do you call a gay drive by?



A fruit roll up.

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love4life wonderland
06/29/13 9:21 pm

A kid asks his mom, why is my cousin named rose? Because her mom likes roses. Why is my friend named daisy? Because her mom likes daisies. Well why am I named dicky? ......

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ncbuc Get Over It
06/29/13 9:14 pm

As told by a 9 year old....
How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and place peas around it. When he goes to take a pea. You kick him in the ice hole.

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Rage21
06/29/13 9:12 pm

What do you say to a black Jew?




Get to the back of the oven.

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Rage21
06/29/13 9:10 pm

What do you call a blonde on a golf course?



The 19th hole.

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ohsheesh florida
06/29/13 8:43 pm

What do you call a cow with no legs?


Ground beef.

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thatguy81 here
06/29/13 8:38 pm

What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas?

Cancer.

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thatguy81 here
06/29/13 8:37 pm

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

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JackTorS SOH Flounder
06/29/13 8:21 pm

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Cancer.

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TopsQueen Oregon Coast
06/29/13 8:16 pm

Voodoo doughnuts has an ale. Chocolate, peanut butter, and banana, ale

TopsQueen Oregon Coast
06/29/13 8:19 pm

The bottle is Pepto-Bismol pink :~|

susanr Colorado
06/29/13 11:47 pm

Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Ale. I still haven't bought it. I keep looking at it, at the liquor store. It ain't cheap.

TopsQueen Oregon Coast
06/30/13 12:20 am

This was in Safeway. We had loganberry wine with dinner it was amazing.

Ernest Make it so
06/29/13 7:54 pm

A boy, a bird, a cat, and a duck walk into a bar...

The bartender asks "hey, where's the wolf?"

Yeah, I know that was pretty terrible, so I'll just go with this one instead:

Two blond walks into a bar... You think one of them would have seen it...

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Ernest Make it so
06/29/13 9:17 pm

The first joke is a music one...
I was going to put it this way, but ran out of space:

A boy, a bird, a cat, and a duck walk into a bar...
The bartender asks "What? Where's the strings, flute, clairanet, and oboe?

Yeah, still terrible...

rk1222 Gone so soon
06/29/13 7:49 pm

Go watch The Heat! Best movie ever in terms of laughs! I couldn't stop.

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TempName14 Everywhere but nowhere
06/29/13 7:49 pm

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?


He had to sit in his own pew.

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Wert A picture of my package
06/29/13 7:35 pm

Have several. If this doesn't do it, I don't know what will. Enjoy.

youtu.be/RP4abiHdQpc

thelowend imitation is flattery
06/29/13 7:26 pm

*insert any quote from the big lebowski*

"OVER THE LINE!!!!"

TempName14 Everywhere but nowhere
06/29/13 7:23 pm

The university of Texas may win some football games this year.........

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inge MIA
06/29/13 7:24 pm

you just couldn't resist

FyndFyre Moon Base Alpha
06/29/13 7:13 pm

The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time.

It was tense!

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FyndFyre Moon Base Alpha
06/29/13 7:10 pm

Two muffins are in the oven. The first one says "Gee, it sure is hot in here." The second one says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

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cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 7:11 pm

Somebody beat you to it.

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 7:12 pm

I beat you to it. :)

FyndFyre Moon Base Alpha
06/29/13 7:12 pm

I assumed that someone must have. That's a classic.

onendone On a Beach
06/29/13 7:08 pm

Wow. the sick power you wield Inge. It's F inge nuts!.....you summon your minions to 300 plus comments on a Sat night no less. U need a laugh, I need a life apparently as I just got home and thought "I need to make this chick laugh". It's sick!

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cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 7:10 pm

Lol.

Turn back!! Run away!!! She controls our minds!!!!!!! Ahhhh!!!!

Zod Above Pugetropolis
06/29/13 7:13 pm

I am one of inge's minions. How cool! I want that on a t-shirt.

onendone On a Beach
06/29/13 7:17 pm

I'm a part time minion but a minion nevertheless. I like the t-shirt but let's put it on a too tight tank top with Inge's profile pic. That would be badass.

inge MIA
06/29/13 7:21 pm

Haha awww. Best. Compliment. Ever.

inge MIA
06/29/13 7:55 pm

So when is our wedding ;) :P

onendone On a Beach
06/29/13 7:58 pm

Do u need precise date or ballpark? I'm working on the venue but confident saying Spring 2014....

onendone On a Beach
06/29/13 8:12 pm

No good? Fall 2013? Think outdoor fer sure. Maybe beach? 18th at Pebble? You know, picturesque. Your SOH throngs can Skype in. wait, hold the phone....who am I kidding? like I'd have a say in any of this. When/where works for YOU sweetheart? :-)

FyndFyre Moon Base Alpha
06/29/13 7:07 pm

There are 10 types of people in this world:
Those that understand binary
Those that don't





And those that didn't expect this joke to be in base three

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Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 7:04 pm

One day, three men were walking through the jungle when they were captured by cannibals. They were taken before the cannibal king who said they shall be executed and then eaten. The king said they could avoid this terrible fate if they could pass the

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 7:05 pm

ancient tribal tests. So, the three men agreed to take the tests. The king said for the first part of the test they must go into the jungle and gather ten fruits of the same variety and bring them back.

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 7:07 pm

So, escorted by cannibals, the three men went off in different directions to get their fruits.
The first man returned carrying ten apples. The king said for the second part of the test, the men must put all ten fruits up his anal t

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 7:07 pm

ract without making any facial expressions. So, the man put the first apple in without any problems, but on the second apple he flinched with pain. So, the cannibals killed him and ate him, and the man went to heaven.

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 7:08 pm

The second man returned carrying ten little berries. The king explained to him the rules. So, the man began. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8, but on the 9th berry he broke out in laughter. So, the cannibals killed him and ate him, and he went to heaven.

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 7:08 pm

Well, the 2nd man & the 1st man met in heaven. The first man asked, "Man, why did you laugh? You almost pulled it off."
To which the 2nd man replied, "I couldn't help it. I got to the 9th berry, and I noticed the other guy brought back watermelons."

teach248 Florida
06/30/13 1:47 am

That is the only joke tonight that actually made me laugh out loud! Hilarious!!!

FyndFyre Moon Base Alpha
06/29/13 7:03 pm

I have a bunch of unemployment jokes, but none of them work...

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cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 7:02 pm

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. Standing outside the pearly gates she ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincoln's, the hand...

cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 7:02 pm

have only moved one time stating that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Teresa's it hasn't moved at all showing she didn't tell not one lie.

cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 7:03 pm

Hillary then asked well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is using it as a celling fan.

cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 7:04 pm

Sorry for the typos. I copied and pasted it :p

cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 6:58 pm

A bus full of politicians get in a ditch in the country. An old farmer finds the wreck. He is in the process of burying the bodies when a police officer comes. The cop asks what happens. Then the police officer asked if the farmer made sure they...

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cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 6:59 pm

Were all dead. The farmer replies " some of them said they weren't, but ya know how them politicians lie"

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 6:56 pm

Three men go on an expedition and are captured by natives. The chief says they will be killed and made into canoes.

The first man chooses poison, drinks it and dies.
The second chooses spear, and is stabbed in the eye and died.
The third....

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 6:57 pm

Says he wishes to be stabbed to death by a fork. After several minutes and bleeding all over from multiple fork wounds, he turns to the chief and on his dying breath and says "Haha! Now you can't make canoe out of me!"

rolltribe Ohio
06/29/13 6:53 pm

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

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rolltribe Ohio
06/29/13 6:53 pm

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 6:49 pm

There are a pilot, a Texan, a Mexican, an Italian, and a Brit in a plane. The pilot says " we're having a problem. We need three of you to jump out the plane." The Brit jumps out and says " god save the queen". The Italian jumps out and says...

veritas1 Panda
06/29/13 6:49 pm

Spoiler: The texan throws out the Mexican.

veritas1 Panda
06/29/13 6:50 pm

Or maybe not. Texans are unpredictable creatures.

cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 6:52 pm

Says the Texan...

veritas1 Panda
06/29/13 6:53 pm

That just means I'm speaking from personal experience.

cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 6:54 pm

Your new nickname: "The Unpredictable Creature".

thelowend imitation is flattery
06/29/13 6:46 pm

an elderly couple goes to the doctors office. the man comes out fine and his wife goes in. she's in for a long time. the doctor then comes out to the man and says "I don't know how to tell you this - but your wife either has Alzheimer's or aids."

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thelowend imitation is flattery
06/29/13 6:47 pm

the man says "my god doctor - how can we determine which it is?" the doctor says "do you have a forest near your house?" the man says "yes". "well," the MD says "go for a long walk in the woods and get her completely lost. if she finds her way home -

veritas1 Panda
06/29/13 6:48 pm

………

Marley17 or is it just me...
06/29/13 6:45 pm

A priest and rabbi are walking past a park...
Priest- "Lets screw these kids"
Rabbi- "Out of what?"

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thatguy81 here
06/29/13 6:48 pm

hahahahaha

rolltribe Ohio
06/29/13 6:43 pm

There are three types of people in this world: those that can count, and those who can't

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thatguy81 here
06/29/13 6:48 pm

But that's only one thing...

rolltribe Ohio
06/29/13 6:42 pm

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure...

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Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 6:41 pm

Google "how animals eat their food" and find it on YouTube. Also the ways to discipline your child, by the same people.

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cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 6:43 pm

Gosh I hate that. I don't see how it's funny.

cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 6:44 pm

Best youtubers- Swoozie, key and peele, zazinombies

inge MIA
06/29/13 6:45 pm

Glozell is effing hilarious too

rolltribe Ohio
06/29/13 6:40 pm

A dog limps into a saloon, holding one leg off the ground and says "I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw"

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cheeseontop FactsOverFeelings
06/29/13 6:40 pm

What's worse than 1000 dead babies hanging from 1 tree?

1 dead baby hanging from 1000 trees.

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thatguy81 here
06/29/13 6:38 pm

What do you call a Puerto Rican midget?

A spec.

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inge MIA
06/29/13 6:38 pm

These are great. You guys are killing it

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thatguy81 here
06/29/13 6:37 pm

What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!

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thatguy81 here
06/29/13 6:36 pm

I dont understand why people say sex is good in the shower. How do you guys not get your laptop wet?

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inge MIA
06/29/13 6:37 pm

Lol!

Kris Humidity Central
06/29/13 6:35 pm

What do you call someone without a body and no nose?

Nobody Knows.

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JackTorS SOH Flounder
06/29/13 6:34 pm

What do you call it when a redhead goes off the deep end?
A ginger snap.

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