I need a laugh. Bring it.
I dont understand why people say sex is good in the shower. How do you guys not get your laptop wet?
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
You know...not having emoji is making my insults way meaner than they are meant to be
The other day I was wondering "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
Two fish are in a tank, one says "you man the gun, I'll drive!"
A doctor told his patient "you have cancer and short term memory loss." The patient replied "well at least I don't have cancer!"
This isn't funny, but I picked out my wedding dress today! ☺
From my 6 year old daughter:
What do you call a fish with 10 eyes?
A husband argued to his wife that men have superior judgement skills than woman. The wife replied "of course dear, you married me, and I you"
This guy I know was trying to get me to go out with his friend. He asked me, "Hey Emily, guess what John's shirt is made out of?"
And the mama cow said "cause a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
Then a third baby cow said "AUDNFJAKDUSJAGXKFB" and the mama cow said "shut up, cinderblock."
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
Because there was no punch line!
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bar tender looks and them and exclaims "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Based on a true story
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat...
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought", I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
And finally, my personal favorite,
16) Great ... Fa Kin Su Pah
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Love that one!
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?????
How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
That's not reicht.
Seriously, are Jew kidding me??
Why doesn't China have a Disneyland?
Nobody's tall enough for the rides.
I have a bunch of unemployment jokes, but none of them work...
Student: Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Student: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
At least we still have 2 balls.
A priest and rabbi are walking past a park...
Priest- "Lets screw these kids"
Rabbi- "Out of what?"
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See ya next month.
Kid that lives on my street just came up to me as I was unpacking my car and said "you know, if my bellybutton wasn't locked, all my drinks I drinked would leak out!" Thank goodness his bellybutton was locked!
If it was any other animal besides a cow then PETA would be all over it. Nobody cares about cows
Why can't a chicken cross the road without anyone questioning his motives??!?!?!?! :P
The university of Texas may win some football games this year.........
Three guys, stranded on a deserted island, find a lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Lol the blonde didn't get it at first. That's cute
That one may be past the PG-13 content target Tony has asked us to maintain...
There are three types of people in this world: those that can count, and those who can't
What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?
Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I am one of inge's minions. How cool! I want that on a t-shirt.
Well now I'm just turned on
Hitler goes to a concentration camp and sees a little girl and ask, " why are you so happy?" Little girl responds "I'll turn 8 next week!" Hilter said, " No, you won't."
6) Did you go to the beach? ... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ... Wai Yu Mun Ching
Annie: I don't know what it is but I just find Jews really hot.
Charlie: Maybe it's the ovens.
Annie: That's horrible!
Charlie: No, I can tell that joke, I have an oven.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in a car that breaks down in the desert. They leave the car to find help. The brunette takes, water, the redhead takes food, and the blonde takes a car door so she could roll the window down when it gets hot.
Some muffins are cooking in the oven and one says "It's really hot in here."
Another muffin screams "Holy shít a talking muffin!"
Holy inappropriate Batman!!!
Well, the 2nd man & the 1st man met in heaven. The first man asked, "Man, why did you laugh? You almost pulled it off."
To which the 2nd man replied, "I couldn't help it. I got to the 9th berry, and I noticed the other guy brought back watermelons."