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Praetorianus November 5th, 2017 1:05am

I have to rephrase my last poll. Imagine this: a 55 y/o man has a relationship with a 19 y/o woman, and a 55 y/o woman has a relationship with a 19 y/o man. Would there be any substantial difference how you see those relationships?

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Laserbeam Crazy bird lady
11/05/17 10:45 am

They both get filed in the “idc, not my business” file.

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Louderthebetter
11/05/17 9:38 am

Zero difference.
Distasteful, nasty and unsustainable.
Oedipus complex magnified.

shygal47 Florida east coast
11/05/17 8:03 am

There’s no fool like an old fool is not a gender-specific adage.

bluerum29 optimistic idealist
11/05/17 7:02 am

Both are way too far apart. Just wrong. But lucky guy.

WaffleBrainz Indiana
11/05/17 6:52 am

no, theyre both extremely creepy

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RussianThunder Russia and USA
11/05/17 6:31 am

Yes. The guy wants arm candy and she wants financial security.

In both cases I would say their life priorities are messed up.

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RussianThunder Russia and USA
11/05/17 6:31 am

Though not that large of an age difference, there’s quite a gap in my parents ages.

Kyle5 TN
11/05/17 1:00 am

For both cases I'd initially assume gold digger.

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sea California
11/04/17 11:38 pm

Yes. What’s in it for the 19 year old male?

sea California
11/05/17 12:38 am

Yeah I guess the money would be good especially if he didn’t have to be exclusive.

DrCarpenter Florence, Italy
11/04/17 11:31 pm

As someone who is 22 and dating a man who is 60 (we started dating when I was 19 and he was 57), I think it's a bad idea. I didn't always think that. And my relationship has (well, had) a different power dynamic than most age gap relationships (or at least I assume so), still gotta go with "bad idea." And yes, that probably makes me a hypocrite.

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sea California
11/04/17 11:37 pm

What do you think is bad about about it?

DrCarpenter Florence, Italy
11/04/17 11:54 pm

When I was 19, I hated it when people said that young women are manipulated into relationships with older men, that older men just use women, that with a large age difference the two people can't be equals, and so on.
I hated it because it not only brought my relationship under attack but because it played into the idea that women are girls. If we are going to empower women, we need people to believe they can consent to such a relationship when they are of age.
But looking back on the last three years, there was a huge power difference. It was not something I was capable of seeing, or cared to see, and it lead me down a path that has led to a lot of damage for me.
Sure, there are healthy relationships with large age gaps that exist. It's possible for couples to work through those issues.
But I didn't. My boyfriend didn't. And most people probably don't.
But he was an older, distinguished man - I thought he obviously knew better than I did.

.

DrCarpenter Florence, Italy
11/04/17 11:55 pm

I love my boyfriend very much. But the beginning of our relationship was a terrible idea and he and I are still trying to work through the damage done.
We should never have got together when we did.

sea California
11/05/17 12:37 am

Thanks for sharing 👍

phalnx Ohio
11/05/17 9:10 am

:( I'm on the other end of that, and even with just 9 years difference between us, there was a huge power difference when me and my eventual wife started dating. At 18, she didn't even have her Driver's License yet (I helped train her), while I had my own apartment, an established career, several degrees, etc.. She was insecure about all that for a long time...I had to be very careful not to say or do anything that could possibly be construed as patronizing...but fortunately, she eventually realized that the little niche I had carved out (just by virtue of being an adult for 9 years longer) was for me and her (and our kids) to share equally.

At 43, I don't feel any different emotionally than I did when I was 18, and I hope I can assume that I won't at 60 either. My point, I guess, is that he's probably coming from a purer place perhaps than even you think he is...he saw someone that made his heart sing, and went for it, consequences be damned. Best of luck...it can work :)

DrCarpenter Florence, Italy
11/05/17 8:07 pm

My boyfriend was my professor and my boss. I didn't have a car - I relied on him for everything: rides to and from the university, doctors appointments, grocery stores, etc. I've not once believed he had any malicious intent or thought he was taking advantage of me. But, with that said, I still don't think it was a good idea.

DrCarpenter Florence, Italy
11/05/17 8:10 pm

And thanks phalnx. Not many people send good wishes. We're moving in together (for the third time) this December in Prague.

phalnx Ohio
11/06/17 7:17 pm

Prague, eh? Well, don't forget to Czech your bags :D ......*sound of crickets*. Eh hem, anyway...

I can imagine how your parents, siblings, relatives, friends, etc. may have reacted. What they may not understand is that few people get to know each other as intimately as those in a student/teacher relationship. You've both gotten a good long look into each other's minds, and I can't think of a more solid foundation for love than that. If anyone takes issue with the age/power difference, IMO that's their problem, not yours. Cold comfort, I know, but what would make you happier...pleasing the naysayers, or living with the person you know you love? I know what I'd pick, if forced to choose, and I think you're doing the right thing. 💪💖

Zach21 California
11/04/17 9:14 pm

There's no difference. It's a weird and inappropriate relationship either way.

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MrMilkdud Pref pronouns Thou Thee
11/04/17 6:42 pm

I feel bad for both of those 19yo’s.

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Praetorianus Fair enough.
11/04/17 8:18 pm

Why? Unless there is pressure/coercion, it's either genuine attraction or a sugar daddy/mama relationship where the younger partner willingly plays along for either money or just the lifestyle.

phalnx Ohio
11/04/17 6:39 pm

Yeah. The old man is doing it right, the young man has a real problem :D

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phalnx Ohio
11/05/17 8:51 am

I admit I'm a little biased...I AM the old man :D

Praetorianus Fair enough.
11/04/17 6:08 pm

I'll make that short and sweet: No.
Just being happy together is what counts.

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bower8899 Gone, Probably Forgotten
11/04/17 6:29 pm

Exactly. I would look more at if it's based on money or abusive.