Show of HandsShow of Hands

kermie August 14th, 2016 2:30am

You have a significant falling out with a friend and consider it to be their fault. Now they want to talk about it but you know they will not be able to hear what you have to say and will probably flip out more. Speak your truth anyway or keep quiet?

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Carolynn new jersey
08/14/16 3:38 pm

This happened to me before and I tried to resolve it with her. When I look back, I think I should have saved myself the time, energy, and stress, and just moved on. If they won't listen, it's a waste of time.

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jmw7477 Indiana
08/14/16 2:32 pm

I wouldn't talk to them again. Once I consider someone out of my life, they pretty much don't exist anymore.

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MrsCzarCastic
08/14/16 1:56 pm

Agree that you must both remain rational and calm before discussing. Keep your voice soft and calm. If the other person starts to get loud, say, "I cannot continue this conversation if you're not going to remain calm." It will be up to you to set and keep the tone of the conversation.

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singkitty In the cloud
08/14/16 11:57 am

If you can't agree to disagree then this doesn't sound like s solid friendship to begin with. Save yourself the hassle and just move on. I had a similar experience and for my own personal sanity I ended the friendship. I was sad at first but it was a good decision. She reached out to me recently and I am choosing to ignore it as I know she hasn't changed much and I don't need/want the drama in my life.

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singkitty In the cloud
08/14/16 12:02 pm

It may be sad/difficult to let go at first, but I assure you that with time and the lack of drama you will be much happier without them...and who knows perhaps with a little space/time this issue can resolve itself and you can reach a point of understanding after things have cooled down more.

kermie gaytopia
08/14/16 1:22 pm

Yeah, tough to admit but you're probably right.

susanr Colorado
08/14/16 11:18 am

I don't know. I'm not going to be at all helpful - but at least I think you've gotten some good advice from some others here.

I don't think I've ever been in quite that position. Similar things, but not quite that.

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TopsQueen Oregon Coast
08/14/16 9:49 am

Stick to my guns. One dear friend posted a photo of Obama half ape. I told her it was racist. She did not agree. We are friends again.

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Bev
08/14/16 7:21 am

I would state clearly and succinctly how I felt about the "argument" and the falling out. I would put it in writing and make it clear that I would accept an apology but not a theatrical debate. The email or text wouldn't be more than 5 sentences.

I value our relationship.
I was hurt by your comments/actions.
I will not debate the issue.
I will accept an apology.

You get the picture 😄

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kermie gaytopia
08/14/16 9:04 am

Yeah, my therapist suggested a letter too. I think I might do that.

HayleyS looking up.
08/14/16 6:26 am

I've dealt with a situation that fits that description, but it is actually a cycle for us.

I think this last time of me saying how I feel actually ended the friendship. It has been a long time coming.

To be blunt, I think there is no point in keeping people around in your life if they consistently are incapable of understanding your perspective. A one time occurrence is different, but if someone means something to you, always be empathetically up-front about your emotions. If they can't handle it, what is their role even supposed to be in your life?

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kermie gaytopia
08/14/16 9:03 am

Thanks. This is good. Miss you.

HayleyS looking up.
08/14/16 11:36 am

I miss you too. I hope this situation works out for the best, whatever that may be.

myob
08/14/16 6:15 am

Say your truth and refuse to debate/argue then leave. If there is anything left, get back together for coffee next week. If instead you feel this person is over you completely, just drop them and no more contact ever.

cowboy Doors of Perception
08/14/16 5:41 am

Hear what they have to say. You never know. They might have a break through. Or not. At least you tried.

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dwalte10 Toledo, Ohio
08/13/16 9:14 pm

I like what some of the other users have said. For me, answering your question would also depend a lot on what I expect to hear this friend say.

If I expect to be blamed for something I do not think I should be blamed for, I will not want to talk to this friend at all.

Otherwise, I will hear this friend out when he or she asks to talk about the situation which caused the falling out.

Kay41 the Midwest
08/13/16 8:32 pm

This happened to me. We said our piece when they weren't ready and we have been paying the price since then. If I could do it over I would have waited until they were ready.

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kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 8:34 pm

What if that will be never?

Kay41 the Midwest
08/13/16 8:38 pm

Hmm, I guess that depends on how much you want the relationship. This relationship is extremely important to me so I would like to think they will be ready again sometime. It makes me sad just thinking about it.

kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 8:39 pm

I hope they will. That sounds like an awful waiting game. IMSORRYCHICKEN.

Um. I typed I'm sorry but my phone said that instead. :/

kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 8:41 pm

I honestly don't know if I care about the relationship anymore. This person was like family to me so I don't know if I'm holding on just for that reason when I shouldn't any longer. I also just don't have that many relationships to begin with, being a crank and all, so it's hard to let one go, even a toxic one.

Kay41 the Midwest
08/13/16 8:43 pm

Are you mixing me up with ChickenCookie?? 😁

Yes, it is an awful waiting game. But, I'm willing to wait and hope.

Are you in this situation now or is it hypothetical?

Kay41 the Midwest
08/13/16 8:44 pm

Give yourself some time and then ask yourself if you miss the relationship. That will give your am answer.

kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 9:04 pm

Yeah that's a good idea. I think I definitely need space (I.e. Need to move out) and then see how I feel.

Diogenes FreeMeBe
08/13/16 8:27 pm

Why ruin your day?

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FacePalm That Trick Never Works
08/13/16 8:21 pm

If I value the friendship I would hear them out, and try to listen with an open heart.

If they value the friendship, I will also have a chance to speak and be heard.

If not ... let them go.

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kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 8:34 pm

Yeah, good point. I think I have tended to believe that people value the friendship but if they're not willing to hear me out that's probably a good sign they don't. Or don't value me, at least. They might value what they get out of the friendship or how it makes them feel but not me as a person.

I used to value the friendship but honestly not sure anymore.

xxxceo Nationalist
08/13/16 8:05 pm

I've always felt if someone is man enough to apologize, I'm man enough to accept. In this case they may not be apologizing, but if they're making the first move it shows sincerely that they at least want to try. I'd give them enough respect to at least listen.

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kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 8:32 pm

Not even close to apologizing. They want to talk in order to defend themselves more, probably cry or dramatically walk away then storm back, totally ignore me and play the victim. It's an excellent performance, but not an apology or anything like it.

xxxceo Nationalist
08/13/16 8:36 pm

Oh, I understand now. Personally, I'd have no patience for that. At the same time, it may be their way of "venting" if you know what I mean. It really depends on how much this friendship means to you. Again, I wouldn't want to deal with the drama unless they were very special. If you choose to entertain this, I'd recommend trying to control the situation as much as you can. Don't let them walk all over you just to put their emotions on display. You have a right to express yourself too. I hope it works out man.

kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 8:42 pm

Thanks.

bringstheeagle Colorado
08/13/16 7:43 pm

I think probably more time is needed at least a month.

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kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 7:47 pm

Hmm, interesting take. Have you tried this and does it work?

bringstheeagle Colorado
08/13/16 7:51 pm

It works to the extent both parties have time to reflect on what happened. It's especially effective when both parties agree to a cooling off period and agree to return at a specified time. You can also set some mutual ground rules. I have indeed done that.

bringstheeagle Colorado
08/13/16 7:52 pm

I'd say it always works in my view but I don't always achieve the outcome or resolution I'd like. I do achieve a civil and thoughtful dialog.

bringstheeagle Colorado
08/13/16 7:54 pm

It also depends on the nature of the relationship. With my wife, for example, a month is clearly not enough time because of our proximity to each other. The waiting period can be long or short depends on the person and the nature of your relationship.

bringstheeagle Colorado
08/13/16 7:54 pm

It's sorta like conducting your own personal mediation with modifications.

kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 8:31 pm

Really fascinating. I guess I sometimes try to impose my own reflection period but I find most people want me to attend to their feelings RIGHT NOW.

bringstheeagle Colorado
08/13/16 8:34 pm

Well and I think that's also an important consideration. Waiting too long can cause problems too. I just try to work out a timeframe and ground rules. Sometimes my wife and I wait 30 minutes, sometimes longer, and sometimes not at all but we both know the drill now. Lol n

GrandmaALiCE For a better 2021
08/13/16 7:41 pm

Say it, but there are ways that are open to dialogue and ways that shut off dialogue.

"I think this was all your fault" is not helpful, even if you believe it.

"I value your friendship. Because of that, I was very disappointed when you ..."

Unless, of course, you no longer value his or her friendship. In that case, you should simply keep your distance. I don't know the specifics, but there are usually two sides.





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kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 7:47 pm

Lots of wisdom here :)

GrandmaALiCE For a better 2021
08/13/16 7:50 pm

Why, thanks, kermie! 😊

kermie gaytopia
08/13/16 8:29 pm

No, thank you! I was hoping to get some good outside perspectives and I can always count on you for that.