If you are/were married and you and your spouse had been arguing for hours and they said they wanted to leave (get a divorce), how would you react?
I would do anything possible to reconcile. That is what God would have me do, and therefore what I want to do. God said in the book of Malachi that he hates divorce. ✟
I got nothing. I say stay with him, but that's easy for me to say. I do admire you're endurance to stay this long.
Sunset, I've seen enough polls about your marriage that I've formed the opinion that leaving would be the most healthy decision for everyone involved. I could be wrong, of course, as that's an assessment made on limited info. But it's my opinion.
Sunset and her husband have had a lot of stress this year. A baby, job loss, family illness, threats of losing a place to live. All of these things take a toll.
She is planning to go to counseling. Unfortunately, due to insurance, ...
... it can't start until October.
I think it would be a mistake to give up on the marriage now, before trying professional guidance.
From the outside looking in, it's easy to say she should wait. But, her mental health is suffering because of this relationship. Hell, her self esteem has been in the crapper for a while due to his verbal abuse. Mind you, he was excessively jealous
controlling & verbally abusive *before* her SOH tryst. Plus he has a drinking problem & the level of fighting they've reached is a lot to expose a newborn to. Future counseling or not, this is *currently* a very unhealthy situation for all of them.
Not to mention that this & a few of her recent polls are showing very clearly that she wants out. She's just trying hard to work up the courage to leave & MY opinion is that we should be helping her do that, not encouraging her to stay. You can
disagree all day long, but I've been studying relationships & human behavior for a long while, have coached women out of abusive situations before & I see what I see here & nothing I see is good. Besides, even if they separate now, it's not like they
couldn't still choose to go to counseling in Oct. if they both really want to try to work it out.
I agree 100000% with krystina
Sunset, I thought about something else, which may really, really help you. Do you know about Al-Anon? That is different from Alcoholics Anonymous, although the two groups are similar, in some ways.
All-Anon is for people who live with an alcoholic.
They are a self-help group and there is no fee. They teach the spouse (or other family member - parent, etc.) coping skills, for living with the person.
They won't tell you how to get Jason how to stop drinking, because you can't. That's ...
... something only he can do. But, they will teach you how to live with his problems and not enable him.
I think that would be very helpful. I strongly suggest you look into Al-Anon.
It just may save your marriage. If not, it will probably guide you into making a reasonable decision, based on what is best for all of you.
Also, the part where I agree with missmorganmarie is, you shouldn't blame yourself. That's one of the things they talk about at Al-Anon.
Ok I will definitely check it out. And yea I know I need to stop blaming myself i just feel like I'm failing as a wife because of what he's going through. I know I'm not perfect but I just feel like I'm being hard to get along with or something
No, you are not failing as a wife. Jason is responsible for his own happiness, as he is an adult. That is very important to remember.
exactly ...YOU are not failing. YOU are not the problem
Cool off, level head, and try to communicate again.
If this is based on your previous poll, it happened after he was drinking. (Forgive me, if I am making erroneous assumptions.)
Decisions made under the influence of alcohol are not valid and should not be taken seriously.
He was, but I'm the one who said it. He just said if I wanted to leave then go...he'd cry and probably kill himself but he thinks I'm having sex with other guys anyway so he saw it coming. It was a really bad night last night.
I know you are set to have counseling soon. Please give that a chance, before making any changes.
I'm trying. I can't get it until October now and I'm trying everything I can to hold out until then but some nights I feel like it'll never work even with all the counseling in the world.
sunset this isn't healthy for you or conner. I think you need to move out for awhile
I thought about it but I don't have anywhere to go, and more importantly I feel like if I moved out even just temporarily, Jason would feel like it's over and he'd give up ever trying to make things work. Thanks to GA I've realized his tough outer
Shell isn't him just being an ass and not caring...it's how he shows (or tries to hide) that he's really hurting. He denies there's a problem because he's already had 2 failed marriages and now that he's found someone who he really is in love with,
or it's going to wake his @ss up and have him realize you're sick and tired of being emotionally abused and bullied. you don't deserve this and quite frankly, I don't know if you were both mature enough to be married ... 2 failed marriages?
He's terrified of losing it. I know he loves me and gosh knows he adores our son, so I just need to chill out sometimes I think. I'm going through a lot with only you guys to support me, but so is he and I need to be supportive of him instead of
that should have been a huge red flag and wake up call that maybe he has some maturing to do. you're also really young...20 if I remember? you also are now a mother and have another person depending on you for stability and safety. stop making
excuses for Jason and start worrying about the safety for your son ... conner is what matters first and foremost
if he is truly terrified of losing you and Conner he won't be getting drunk like this. he will come home after work...stay sober!! and spend that time with you and his son. he knows you won't leave. he knows you have no place to go. which is why
he's being like this.
stop fuckingg making excuses for him and blaming yourself!!! omg that is maddening. you should be anything but chill. he is emotionally abusing you !!!!!!!!!!!
Trying to mold him into something he's not.
And yea but I only count the last one. His first marriage was just to shut her family up about them living together. But either way I don't think it's that we weren't mature enough yet but I had an
Unrealistic idea of love and marriage. I thought it was supposed to be perfect but it's not. Even the best of marriages have problems some times.
you do have somewhere to go. a women's shelter. and I strongly strongly suggest you do NOT move anywhere with him until he wakes the fuckk up and you two work on your marriage and either start really making progress or sign divorce papers
this is a tough spot and I do sympathize. but at some point you'll hit that breaking point where you realize you're worth way more than being an emotionally abused wife. of course marriage isn't perfect...but marriage should not be emotional abuse
a drunk husband and blaming yourself for his shortcomings
I know I just love him so much and I want this to work out so bad. He's trying to stop drinking which is a big step for him. I just don't feel like I'm ready to leave yet. Part of me wants to, yes, but the majority of me doesn't want to give up
that's why there are such things as separation. youshow him you won't stand for this and won't subject conner to this. put his feet to the fire. tell him to man up sober up and start being the husband you deserve and the father Conner deserves
that won't happen unless you show him you mean business. not try and talk to him about this when he's more than a few sheets to the wind
how is this behavior appropriate??? it isn't . plain and simple ...please stop enabling him
Sunset, please just be aware that self blame & excuses for the partner's poor behavior are ridiculously common signs of abuse & you make excuses for him every time & put blame on yourself every time. Just think about it.
Are they prone to blustering?
No. I usually keep my mouth shut during arguments especially when he's drunk...but I've been thinking about this a long time. I'm just curious if you really love someone wouldn't you try to fight it instead of just saying ok leave?
Not necessarily. Everybody reacts in a different way. I don't know Jason, except for what you've told us, but there are all sorts of possibilities.
It may be a matter of pride, where he doesn't want to do what he perceives as "begging" you. He ...
... may be hurt that you bring up divorce and too shocked to know what to say. He may be "calling your bluff," because he doesn't believe you mean it.
And from your comment above, I think that WAS his way of "fighting it."
Saying he would cry, threatening to kill himself (which I hope he doesn't mean) and putting you on the defensive with accusations of cheating.
All of those sound like he's beaten down and feels like he's lost you. It doesn't sound like he wants a divorce.
I feel really bad that you have to wait until October for your counseling. Try to hang in there!
First if all, I would not allow myself to get pulled into an argument. That's an endless trap. As for leaving, I would say I'm sorry you feel that way, and then stay quiet. Not another word.
Reisende soll man nicht aufhalten.
I would say go for it and call then on it. If it comes out of their mouth, it has been on their mind already
To me, it is the official beginning of the end.
Based on personal experience, not necessarily.
Mine is based on personal experience too.
I'm sorry about that.
In my case, early in our marriage, we came dangerously close to divorce. We even had the "I want a divorce" talk. Long story, but we worked it out and are still in love, 50 years later.
My mom and dad argued a lot when I was young and she threatened to leave multiple times but they worked it out. Now they've been married for 28 years and are still going strong.
Like giving kids a time out
It would depend on how long these types of arguments have been occurring and how often and whether they were always over the same things. I would be inclined to suggest, absent any other information, that they think about it first.
The way someone acts, the things they do or say have no bearing on the way I choose to be. Nothing they do changes what I will do. This goes both ways. So make everything you do be the right thing, for you.Anything else is wasting time until you do.
If you're having the same argument over and over, stop talking. Arguing can become a habit and can release endorphins that make you feel good. If it's not a good discussion, stop talking.
That's good advice smarttexan.
Decisions out of anger are never good. I would wait a couple days and have a serious adult conversation and make a well thought out decision. Divorce is a serious life changing event.
Let that be the last word and go to bed. Try it again later.
She's the one that has said divorce isn't an option, so....