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GrandmaALiCE June 1st, 2014 6:08pm

A high school senior is accepted into a good college. He makes plans to attend, but his parents want him to wait a year before going to college ("gap year"). Who should make the final decision?

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thursday Kansas
06/03/14 4:32 am

Student, unless s/he expects money from mom and dad.

kspells TheOtherOtherside
06/03/14 4:27 am

Whoever is paying for college gets to decide.

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Tony ✋🏻SOH Founder
06/02/14 8:29 pm

the student should decide what he does. the parents should decide what they pay for.

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andy465 Guitar Center
06/02/14 4:57 pm

Whoever is deciding against the gap year haha. Taking a gap year is usually a terrible idea.

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RumpleForeskin Western NY
06/02/14 4:18 pm

A gap year is the worst idea if you are serious about going to college after high school. It ends up being 25

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singkitty In the cloud
06/02/14 4:02 pm

I said student, unless it's the parents that are paying.

TopsQueen Oregon Coast
06/02/14 12:36 pm

Is he getting a scholarship are the parents dipping into their pockets. If the parents pays the parents says.

nicolebliss31
06/02/14 11:39 am

Who ever is paying

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steelcity Pittsburgh
06/02/14 5:04 am

Who is paying?

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dale41 Lets play two
06/02/14 11:00 am

I was going to ask the same question.

Injectable Mojave Mo Problems
06/02/14 11:10 am

Should they also be allowed to choose your major?

steelcity Pittsburgh
06/02/14 11:21 am

I don't know if I would pay for an Austrian folk history degree for my child, so again, it depends on who is paying.

Mattwall1
06/02/14 8:08 pm

Parents and grandparents. Parents are for gap year, grandparents are against gap year

jeffrey306 steel town
06/01/14 9:04 pm

After reading through comments I assume the year is to become more 'socially mature'. Seems his/her elders will pay for school, so the year is not to earn $ for school. Without knowing the family dynamics, I'd suggest taking the gap year...

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jeffrey306 steel town
06/01/14 9:08 pm

...And doing something you have a passion for. Working for a year in a foreign country, volunteering for a service organization that affords travels, etc. If the tuition isn't an issue (taking loans), then do what you want and go to school.

GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 9:34 pm

Good advice! Do something great and meaningful with the year.

Ivyra Earth
06/01/14 8:52 pm

Whose life is it? Oh yes. The student's.

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Ivyra Earth
06/01/14 8:59 pm

Ultimately, it should be the student's decision, and their parents should be supportive of it if they are a good family. The student is an adult now, and doesn't need their parents to do this, it just makes them less independent.

thebarr
06/02/14 4:01 pm

I actually agree.

Mattwall1
06/02/14 8:09 pm

Parents and grandparents are paying. Parents are for gap year, grandparents are against gap year

pinkyusuck The Carribean. I wish.
06/01/14 7:03 pm

If the parents are paying for it, then they get the final say.

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GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 8:08 pm

Obviously, they have the right. I guess my question is more about whether or not this is good parenting.

Ivyra Earth
06/01/14 8:55 pm

I don't think so,it is not really fair to the child at that point.They're of age and the parents are still forcing them to be majorly dependent on them & delay things they may not want delayed.Everyone has the right to try to live the life they want

Ivyra Earth
06/01/14 8:56 pm

Even if the parents are paying, they should be paying for what their child wants. After all, this is about what they want to do in their life, and good patents would be supportive of this. It doesn't mean they can't offer their view.

pinkyusuck The Carribean. I wish.
06/02/14 12:18 am

Depends. Why do the parents want the kid to wait?

Ivyra Earth
06/02/14 7:18 pm

I'm sure if their logic was reasonable, the student may take it into consideration. I just don't think it's right to force things like that on someone. They can make a suggestion, but that should be all.

MachoMatt84 Mountain climbing
06/01/14 6:49 pm

Who's paying? That's who

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Mattwall1
06/02/14 8:09 pm

Parents and grandparents. Parents are for gap year, grandparents are against gap year

ProfDG I Want Truth
06/01/14 6:40 pm

Student should make the decision only if they are prepared to pay the tuition themselves.

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CTYankee!!! Connecticut
06/01/14 6:27 pm

He who holds the $$$

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Sheta
06/01/14 2:57 pm

Whoever is paying haha

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BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/01/14 2:56 pm

Who is paying for college? I say the $ person decides.

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Ivyra Earth
06/01/14 8:57 pm

"The $ person"

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/01/14 9:59 pm

Yes, as in whomever is paying the tuition.

Mattwall1
06/02/14 8:10 pm

Parents and grandparents hold the $ (ie paying tuition) Parents are for gap year, grandparents are against gap year

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/03/14 3:26 am

I apologize for the grammatical error.

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/03/14 3:31 am

Why do the parents want a gap year? I don't see the point.

Mattwall1
06/03/14 7:23 am

Bama-don't worry about the grammatical error. And basically, they feel I don't have the right social skills and social preparedness to handle college.

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/03/14 5:14 pm

Would you be going away to college? Maybe they would let you go somewhere closer or even somewhere that you could live at home & commute.

Mattwall1
06/03/14 5:15 pm

Well I would be going away, but they're adamant that I be out of the house regardless.

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/03/14 5:16 pm

Thank you. I wasn't overly concerned about the grammatical error, but since lvyra felt the need to point it out, I felt I should note that I am cognizant of my mistake. :)

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/03/14 5:18 pm

Now, I am confused. I wish I could help, but I am now stumped. I will be sure to pray that you are okay & safe regardless. {{{HUGS}}}

Ivyra Earth
06/06/14 8:30 pm

I can't help it, I like to fill the world with good grammar.

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/06/14 11:40 pm

Since you corrected me, that comma should a semi-colon. It is currently a run-on sentence.

BTW, I have a BA in English.

Ivyra Earth
06/07/14 8:52 pm

My sentence is not a run-on, thank you for the try though. Semicolons are lovely, but they should be used sparingly. Congratulations on your BA; your errors don't quite show it.

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/08/14 3:26 pm

It is either a run-on sentence or just poor punctuation. You have two complete & independent clauses that you have separated by a comma. This is a grammatical error regardless of your arrogance. I don't constantly monitor the nuisances of grammar

BamaGirl ROLL TIDE from Arizona
06/08/14 3:27 pm

on sites/apps like SOH. I only pointed out your mistake, because you felt the need to point out mine.

Zod Above Pugetropolis
06/01/14 2:37 pm

An interesting question might be what would the parents have the kid do for that "gap year"? A kid wanting a break is understandable (and usually a bad idea in my opinion), but if it is the parent's idea, do they have activities planned or what?

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beanD California
06/01/14 2:56 pm

My boyfriend had a *sort of* similar experience, with the expectation that he would work during the gap year to earn money for college.

Zod Above Pugetropolis
06/01/14 3:15 pm

That makes sense, and could be good for the kid. Unless the job and the new friends are too much fun and it's hard to leave the party to go back to school. Which is what happened to me, but my heart wasn't really in going to school anyway.

GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 6:54 pm

The parents don't have a plan, as I understand it. He is looking into internships right now, having been told he is not going to college,

Zod Above Pugetropolis
06/01/14 7:03 pm

I'm sure it will work out, we all seem to get through somehow. An internship at a place I hope to eventually at that point would probably be very helpful, eventually letting me tailor my studies to better suit my career.

Rosebud Ohio
06/01/14 2:35 pm

The kid absolutely, though the parents get their say in when or if they pay.

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Whichendisup uniquely unoriginal
06/02/14 6:41 am

crap, is it really? I thought it might be by his tag line. if so....really sorry to hear it. I hope he finds a way to better control his situation.

Whichendisup uniquely unoriginal
06/02/14 8:26 pm

dude.. that SUCKS. :-/

I'm really sorry. I wish I had a magic wand, those things are never around when you need them. is there no hope?

GrandmaALiCE
06/02/14 8:57 pm

Yes, I told Matt I would post this, without mentioning his name. But, looks like the cat is out of the bag, now. :)

Mattwall1
06/03/14 7:23 am

Skinner-it's fine. I'm actually shocked people didn't out 2 and 2 together for a while

GrandmaALiCE
06/03/14 7:28 am

So, how are your plans coming now, Matt? Have you found anything to do?

Also, how is your mother doing? Did she have the surgery yet?

Mattwall1
06/03/14 7:31 am

I'm still searching, as area parents. My moms doing ok, but she hasn't had the next surgery yet. I'm not sure when it will be to be honest. And of course, my dad's relationship went public a few hours ago, so uh I have no clue how to react

GrandmaALiCE
06/03/14 7:39 am

What's that about your dad? I missed it.

Mattwall1
06/03/14 7:41 am

Oh. Well I knew he's been dating for a while but it's officially public so uh yeah

Zod Above Pugetropolis
06/01/14 2:02 pm

It depends. If, like me, the kid is 17, it will be the parents, right or wrong. If the student is already 18, the parents have nothing to do with it. Unless they're paying the bill of course, in which case it was never a question.

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thewheel
06/01/14 1:34 pm

I was in the reverse situation, in the end I won out. This was primarily because I'm by myself on the cost though. In the end, the money is what it comes down to.

ProFreedom Wisdom beyond my years
06/01/14 12:51 pm

Whoever is paying decides

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Mattwall1
06/02/14 8:11 pm

Parents and grandparents are paying.!Parents are for gap year, grandparents are against gap year

Maj Worth Economist
06/01/14 12:47 pm

To me, there's something going on that isn't being put on the table. What is social immaturity? What sort of skills need to be manifested in order to display mastery to the parents? Are the parents dissatisfied with the student's course of study?

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Maj Worth Economist
06/01/14 12:47 pm

Are the parents unhappy with the student's choice of school? Is there a medical diagnosis that is coming into play here? If not, should there be? Are there economic factors at play here?

Maj Worth Economist
06/01/14 12:47 pm

What do the parents believe the student should be doing during the gap year? Did the student's parents take a gap year? Why is the student against taking a gap year?

Maj Worth Economist
06/01/14 12:48 pm

All of these questions need to be answerable by all parties involved. If they can't, then they need to have a sit down and work it out.

GrandmaALiCE
06/02/14 9:00 pm

Well, I wasn't going to say, but it has come out now (a few comments higher up) ... The student in question is mattwall1.

GrandmaALiCE
06/02/14 9:02 pm

I'm not sure about most of your questions, but I know it's not a medical issue. He already tried the "sit down and talk" thing, to no avail.

Maj Worth Economist
06/02/14 9:15 pm

I knew who it was, GmaAlice. I've been following it on Matt's posts, & those were some of the questions I had from the situation. If he did try to have a sit down with his parents - to no avail - it seems like they might be the ones lacking maturity.

Whichendisup uniquely unoriginal
06/01/14 12:24 pm

there's so much that this depends on, esp WHY do the parents want him to wait. I saw below "socially immature" - to what degree? part of the point of college is to mature. you become more responsible for yourself, your decisions & consequences.

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Whichendisup uniquely unoriginal
06/01/14 12:25 pm

ultimately I think the kid should decide when he's ready to attend school, but if he's not paying then he has to accept input from those that are paying.

GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 8:26 pm

Well, that's the reality, but it's not necessarily good or smart parenting.

GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 8:27 pm

If it was my kid, I would be encouraging him to plan out his own life.

krayzewolf New Hampshire
06/01/14 12:10 pm

Who ever is footing the bill makes the call.

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Liberty Lets Use Logic
06/01/14 12:01 pm

It depends on two things:
1) Is he at all financially dependent on his parents?
2) Who is paying for the degree?

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Liberty Lets Use Logic
06/01/14 12:08 pm

Then the parents' conditions of contribution are up to them. If the kid wants their money, he must accept their conditions.

chickencookie
06/01/14 12:00 pm

Something is not right here. Do they think less of the son? Do they do this with all the kids? Is this what the cousins and relatives do in the family?

GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 12:08 pm

What I heard was "socially immature."

rons on top of the world MA
06/01/14 12:15 pm

I think they want to hold on to their little baby! Can't let go!

chickencookie
06/01/14 12:43 pm

By coddling him - they certainly wont let him grow. I think there are "worse" than this person and there are all kinds of "weird and quirky" kids at college. I also want to add if you can let this person know that it is not abnormal to not make

chickencookie
06/01/14 12:46 pm

Friends right away. My daughter really didn't get going till she joined a sorority. If this person has any kind of interest for instance - politics - he should join the "republicans club". Also they usually have a night that is a theme night -

chickencookie
06/01/14 12:49 pm

Movies, food, music etc. Not everyone is varsity - party all night type. They will find their way. A good roommate is a huge thing. They meet before on Facebook.

Mattwall1
06/02/14 8:12 pm

Is the democrats club a fine alternative chickencookie?

chickencookie
06/02/14 8:59 pm

Yes Matt. I used it as an example :). I think student should get active. . Student will not meet anyone on an app or fb. As I told grandma student should not feel bad because they don't make friends first semester . This is more normal then

chickencookie
06/02/14 9:00 pm

Than they know. I hope student will figure this out and wish them the best. :)

sadewt Rexburg, Idaho
06/01/14 11:50 am

whos paying for the college?

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GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 11:55 am

The grandparents, I believe.

GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 11:58 am

I stand corrected. Combination of parents and grandparents.

sadewt Rexburg, Idaho
06/01/14 12:02 pm

then i think that the parents/grandparents get the final say.

Mattwall1
06/01/14 12:03 pm

What if the parents and grandparents are at a complete disagreement with each other on the topic?

GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 12:07 pm

I think the grandparents might be more objective.

rons on top of the world MA
06/01/14 12:17 pm

Poor kid is stifled by the parents! Mother won't let go of her baby!

sadewt Rexburg, Idaho
06/01/14 1:52 pm

i think that if the parents and grandparents are on opposite sides, then the kids wishes should be the tie breaker.

metropolitan Georgia
06/02/14 2:09 pm

Alice - Why do you think the grandparents are more objective?

GrandmaALiCE
06/02/14 2:38 pm

I have experience in both roles, so I base it on my experiences. It seems to me that when I raised my kids, I was sometimes too close to it, to make a good judgment. A grandparent can step back and see things from an outsider's perspective ...

GrandmaALiCE
06/02/14 2:40 pm

... yet be close enough to care. Especially in a case like this, where there is controversy. Of course, that isn't always true. Grandparents should not interfere, but here they are involved for financial reasons.

TrogdorORL n dimensional
06/01/14 11:45 am

The way this is worded, parents should have the final say if they are paying for everything.
Now, who's proposition is wiser? Arguments are easily made for both sides and I honestly couldn't answer that without more information

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Dazey Beagles Rule
06/01/14 11:31 am

Who is paying for it?

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Dazey Beagles Rule
06/01/14 12:20 pm

Then I'll have to side with them. If they're not ready to make the investment, for whatever reason, then that's their choice. If the kid feels they are wrong, he could always try negotiating. Maybe work and do a year of community college for the core

chickencookie
06/01/14 11:30 am

Why is the gap needed when the student wants to. I would encourage that even if they take less courses.

mc88 Cleveland OSU
06/01/14 11:28 am

Definitely the student

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RJ1969 SoCal
06/01/14 11:21 am

Why would they insist on waiting a year? Is this for the kid or for them?

GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 11:22 am

A real life case, I'd rather not say who. In this case, they think it is better for the kid.

chickencookie
06/01/14 11:28 am

Grandma you are a good friend.

RJ1969 SoCal
06/01/14 11:32 am

I'd day it's in the details. If it's for them, them that could be a selfish rationale. I could see if they needed to save money, sell their house, or if some logistical consideration was involved. But not that their baby has grown up and is moving

RJ1969 SoCal
06/01/14 11:32 am

Out I the nest.

I'm just not sure what a year out of school is supposed to do for the kid.

RJ1969 SoCal
06/01/14 11:33 am

Maybe because I've known too many people who were "going to take a year off".,,then, another year. And another. Then, they list their eligibility

chickencookie
06/01/14 11:40 am

Yes. A lot of kids take a year off then they lose interest.

TrogdorORL n dimensional
06/01/14 11:11 am

In my opinion, whoever is paying the bill makes the final decision. Parents if they are paying or student if he is taking loans (or has the money)

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GrandmaALiCE
06/01/14 11:21 am

Technically, yes ... But, *if* the money is available, shouldn't they have respect for their grown child's self-perception of what he needs?

TrogdorORL n dimensional
06/01/14 11:38 am

I'm not saying I agree with the parents decision or not but I think, quite literally, the buck stops with them...
The parents SHOULD respect the students wishes more however, their money, their decision.

Torfin Never Behind
06/01/14 1:19 pm

Trogdor is on the correct path. Certainly, discussion with the young person should occur but as we all know a person does not stop development until significanly later. The parents ate likely employing the wisdom of their experience in making this

Torfin Never Behind
06/01/14 1:22 pm

requirement. And since it is on their dime the youth should respect their decision (OR) do it on his/her own. Besides if they do it on their own they will appreciate it much more.